Ho, Ho, No: Holiday Hosting Approved by The Grinch

Rest assured that these hosting tips will get you fired from holiday hosting for life.

Sad, bare Christmas tree with one red ornament sagging from branch.

Not feeling so festive? This kind of holiday decorating means you’ll be fired from holiday hosting for life.

Ahh, the holiday season. Why would anyone complain about winter wonderlands, chestnuts roasting on an open fire and adorable Christmas carolers?

Well, you’re the anyone. You burn your fingers trying to make a holiday craft and your Christmas cookies just do not come out right. Also, your in-laws will be at your house in an hour, expecting the royal treatment.

We get it. You want to show off your new home. But, hosting a holiday get together is stressful, especially if you are the least bit introverted, cannot make a successful craft or do not have the time to deep clean your home — at least if you want to get everything else on your list finished — before your guests arrive.

If you already committed to hosting this year, it is too late to escape. But, if you take some hostess advice from Grumpy Santa and The Grinch, you can ensure that your extended family goes somewhere else for the holidays next year.

Do Not Decorate

First impressions matter and nothing says “Welcome to our home” during the holidays like a Christmas tree, fake snow on the mantle, mistletoe and garlands. Wasting your valuable time and effort making your home look festive might make your guests think that you like them and the holidays.

To get The Grinch’s favorite cold fish look, all you have to do is nothing. Do not spend a weekend wrangling your tree out of the garage. Leave the mass of Christmas tree lights in their tangled mess and do not replace burnt-out bulbs. Hanging seasonal greenery is a no-no, so leave your garland, holly and mistletoe wherever you store them.

Depriving your guest of the traditional festive décor they expect from their host establishes your dominance and sends a clear message that you value your privacy and alone time. After spending a few days in an undecorated house, your guests will gladly hightail it to more jolly locations.

Keep Your Home Chilly

The monetary damage from holiday hosting adds up fast. Fortunately, you can save money and deter any repeat holiday visitors simply by turning down your thermostat and refusing to light a fire.

Depriving your guest of the traditional festive décor they expect ... sends a clear message that you value your privacy and alone time. After spending a few days in an undecorated house, your guests will gladly hightail it to more jolly locations.Modern holiday guests expect to waltz into a cozy home, straight out of a Christmas card. Do not let your friends and family bully you into keeping your home at a comfortable temperature, with a warm fire to gather around. Force all the interlopers to bundle up by cranking down the heat, all the while telling them how much you love white Christmases.

Pro Tip: If you absolutely must decorate, maybe your love for Christmas trees outweighs your desire to scare off your guest, keeping your home cold is a fantastic and passive aggressive way keep your guest on edge. After all, they cannot prove that you wanted them gone, they just know they were cold and uncomfortable their entire visit.

Serve Bad Food

Even the most ungracious host can find themselves with unwanted visitors year after year if they can cook well. Bad cooks have a natural advantage with this Scrooge-approved holiday tip, but anyone willing to ignore recipes can transform a traditional holiday spread into a reason for guests to stay home next year.

Like refusing to decorate, serving bad food to your guest makes preparing for the holidays easier. If you accidentally decapitate a gingerbread man, do not sweat it. If you forget to put yeast into your homemade bread, looks like everyone gets croutons with dinner. Hopefully your guests can tolerate vegan turkey and ham, if you decide vegetarianism is a noble cause a day before people come over to your home.

Do not let entitled holiday visitors tell you what you have to cook in your own home. Like keeping your home just a tad bit chilly, proving that you intentionally sabotaged the holidays with bad food is hard. After all, even the best celebrity chefs make mistakes.

Avoid Any Fun Holiday Activities

During the holidays people have a punch list of fun activities. To get out of hosting next year, do not do any of them. Caroling, looking at Christmas lights, going to Dickens-themed community events, listening to Aaron Neville’s Soulful Christmas, all elicit warm fuzzy feelings that need to be stopped at all cost if you want people to steer clear of your home next holiday season.

Seriously, avoid all of them, and if you absolutely have to engage in seasonal jolliness, complain the entire time.

After sitting in your undecorated, cold home with nothing tasty to eat, your holiday visitors will feel antsy and want to leave. As they head out the door, make sure you tell them what a lovely time you had and how you simply cannot wait to have everyone over next year.

With a concentrated effort of un-jolliness, you can get prevent loved ones from forcing you to host the holidays and ensure that travesty of justice never happens again. Hopefully you will not get visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.
After graduating in 2016 from The University of Texas with a degree in English, Sanda Brown became a SEO Associate for (...more)

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